Well I didn’t think it was possible to take “time off” from my “time off”, but I managed to do it! As you probably noticed, I haven’t posted any content since November 9th, 2014…9 months ago, damn. The ironic part is that my last post is titled “Managing the Pain Better” and shortly after talking about how I was having an upswing, it. all. fell. apart. What I realize now is that I took too much on with this blog/podcast project; I spent a lot of time figuring this whole venture out (which was super foreign to me), creating content, editing content, and building the stuff you can’t see behind the scenes to make it work. I didn’t have realistic expectations for myself & my body, which is the reason I crashed and burned. Since my mind still wanted to go at 100%, it really blindsided me when my body just said “no, you can’t do this” and stopped functioning the way I wanted it to. My migraines became so frequent there was no possibility of writing blogs, or even recording my thoughts because I was in so much pain. My sleep was erratic at night, my daytime fatigue was out of control, and the chronic pain in my neck and back completely flared up on me. All of my attention had to shift to my health, and for the last 9 months that has been what has been going on. I wish it hasn’t been so long since I’ve gotten back on here, and part of me knows I could have come back sooner but I’ve been scared.
Like I said, I worked really hard to get this up and running, and for a while the only people who knew I was even doing it were a couple of my family members (including my husband, of course), my closest friends, and the people I was interviewing – I wanted there to be a decent amount of content prior to launch. I actually only had it up and running for the public a short time (maybe a month?) before I stopped building upon it, and that really embarrassed me. I made the right decision to focus on my health, but what kept me from coming back to it sooner was the anxiety I would get every time I would even think about the project. I would tell myself it was another thing I failed at; another thing that this invisible illness has taken from me (my ability to work on something I am passionate about and love to do). That’s a lot of negative self-talk, huh? Well, sadly I let it go on for too long and the days passed by. But with the help of some kind people gently nudging me in the right direction I finally started to peak behind the curtain again. I started to open my email connected to this site and see that some wonderful people I had never met before emailed me to say, “why did you stop?” and “how can I help you to keep this going?” I realized I needed to get over my fear of people judging the fact that I left so suddenly, because it is what it is. I didn’t expect to be disabled at 29, I didn’t expect to have chronic pain be my full-time focus, but I did get my Master’s Degree in Applied Psychology for a reason, and it’s because I want to help other people. So, because I see this site as a way for me to do that, I can’t let my pride of what some people might think cause me enough anxiety to block me from this for the rest of my life. Anxiety is a powerful blocker though; it tried really hard!
So the good news is that although I stopped posting content, I didn’t stop working on this! I have tons of things written & narrated into my phone and collected around the house over the last 9 months with the intention of eventually sharing with you all. My goal now is just to sort through it, organize, and post it. I’m going into this 2.0 version with a more mindful approach of my overall capabilities, knowing more of what I can and can’t do, and I think that will bring even better content to you than had I kept going to begin with. I think the last 9 months taught me things about my health that I never would have learned had I been focused on this site, and I’m grateful for that. I’m trying to trust in the timing of everything…key word: trying. For the people who were the gentle pushers back in this direction, thank you from the bottom of my heart. For everyone else, please stay tuned, the best is yet to come.
Sending you healing vibes,